Thursday, April 24, 2008


Is it worser to know what you want to do with your life or haven't the foggiest idea at all?

I imagine a lot of people would say the latter. I have found that people, especially young adults in their early 20s, are often rather envious of those who have a general direction of how their life would like to turn out. And when I say general, I don't mean, "Work for the man, eat, shit, maybe have sex a couple of times then die."

I mean, "Work for X Company". Or "start up my own company". Or even "get married by X and pop out a kid by X". These kind of guidelines that we run our lives by, ever charging towards attaining the goal is what I mean when I say direction. Unlike the panic attacks that go hand in hand with the latter group, this group knows what they want and (I assume) will work hard towards achieving it.

Personally, I belong in the first group. To put it plainly, I've got a five year plan worked out in my head. The timeline isn't set in stone, but it's safe to say I know what I want to achieve in the near future. Sounds great, right? I suppose on paper it does. I'm pretty sure a representative in the other camp would ask me to sit the fuck down and shut up while they panic about their life choices. Honestly though, it's scary as hell knowing what you want. Equally as scary not knowing, I'm willing to bet.

When you don't know what you want, all your cards, the might-bes, the will-bes, the would-have-beens, are all laid out for you. It's a matter of selecting a couple and narrowing it down to one. You don't stand to lose anything because your choices are still open. On the other hand, you've got everything to lose when you have a plan.

If you fall along the way, BAM, it's 'where the hell did I go wrong?'. If for some reason outside your control you don't get what you want, BAM, it's 'what if I did things differently?. But worst, if you put all your energy and effort and power in succeeding and you still fail, it's, BAM, disappointment of the most bitter 'holy fuck, what do I do know' kind. You're back to square one but with the added knowledge that you've failed before. Taking the building blocks one at a time won't be as easy this time round cause you're going to be second guessing yourself every way through and every big decision will be filled with doublethink (not of the Orwellian kind), trepadition and fear.

Deep down we're all afraid, man. All our actions are a reaction to that innate sense of fear we're all afflicted with.
That fear manifests itself throughout our life from epic decisions to minute ones. We work because we fear poverty. We have pets because we fear loneliness. We (attempt to) live our lives to the fullest because we fear that when death comes for us, we'll reflect on the life we've led and go, "If only". But then I'm getting off tangent. Let's go back to the original point.

I can't say who has the bigger claim on that fear. It's not my place and well, I'm sure not there are some people reading this going, "Karen, you just ripped off Donnie Darko's love-fear Lifeline idea", which coincidentally, is a movie I absolutely detest for the simple reason that it's honestly a crap script sold as an existential-like take on mortality sold to the hipper-than-MTV niche of our generation while Gary Jule's 'Mad World' wraps up the trite package. Although I guess if there was anything good that came out of that whole junk was that Lifeline idea and Maggie Gyllenhaal. But then I'm getting off tangent again. Let's retrace our steps yet again.

Like Donnie says, "Everything can't be lumped into two categories. That's too simple." Which I accept and understand and actually agree with. It is rather simple, but then I've always said life is actually a lot simpler than what we make of it. Whether you agree, disagree or feel nothing about this post, it's okay. Just remember that this is one inconsequential word vomit of just one of billions of blogs on the Interwebs.

I'll end with this; beware the next person who tells me I'm so lucky I know what I want to do with my life for I will ask him/her to sit the fuck down and shut up.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Breaking the bank.

I just spend close to $500 on polaroid film from eBay.
I recently bought three CDs.
And I still need to buy new batteries for my CD player.
I bought a film camera just last month.
To use the film that I bought from New Zealand at the start of the year.

Would that I could get over my infatuation with lo-fi technology. Maybe that money can be funneled towards better opportunities.

However, I have very strongly embraced the ordering-food-online movement.

'Sup, Dominos?

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Bolded = truths

It's like updating, but without the typing and thinking of new stuff to write about!

I am shorter than 5'4".
I think I'm ugly sometimes. - is that egotistical not bolding that? (I've got a lot of self-confidence.)
I have many scars.
I tan easily.
I wish my hair was a different color.
I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
I have a tattoo.
I am self-conscious about my appearance.
I have/had braces.
I wear glasses.
I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger.
I have more than 2 piercings.
I have piercings in places besides my ears. - had/going to.
I have freckles.

Family/Home Life
I've sworn at my parents.
I've run away from home.
I've been kicked out of the house.
My biological parents are together.
I have a sibling less than one year old.
I want to have kids someday.
I've had children.
I've lost a child.

I'm in school.
I have a job.
I've fallen asleep at work/school.
I almost always do my homework.
I've missed a week or more of school.
I've been on the Honor Roll.
Within the last 2 years I failed more than 1 class.
I've stolen something from my job.
I've been fired.
I've skipped school.

I've slipped out a "lol" in a spoken conversation.
Disney movies still make me cry.
I've peed from laughing.
I've snorted while laughing.
I've laughed so hard I've cried.
I've glued my hand to something.
I've had my pants rip in public.

I've driven over 200 miles in one day.
I've been on a plane.
I've been to Canada.
I've been to Mexico.
I've been to Niagara Falls.
I've been to Japan.
I've Celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
I've been to Europe.
I've been to Africa.

I've gotten lost in my city.
I've seen a shooting star.
I've wished on a shooting star.
I've seen a meteor shower.
I've gone out in public in my pajamas.
I've pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
I've kicked a guy where it hurts.
I've been to a casino.
I've been skydiving.
I've been an abuse victim. - by the hands of one manager from Maccas, hell yeah
I've gone skinny dipping.
I've played spin the bottle.
I've drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
I've crashed a car.
I've been skiing.
I've been in a play.
I've met someone in person from the internet.
I've caught a snowflake on my tongue.
I've seen the Northern Lights.
I've sat on a roof top at night.
I've played chicken.
I've played a prank on someone.
I've ridden in a taxi.
I've seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
I've eaten sushi.
I've been snowboarding.

I'm single.
I'm in a relationship.
I'm engaged.
I'm married.
I've had someone cheat on me.
I've gone on a blind date.
I've been the dumpee more than the dumper.
I miss someone right now.
I have a fear of commitment.
I have a fear of abandonment.
I've cheated in a relationship.
I've gotten divorced.
I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
I've told someone I loved them when I didn't.
I've told someone I didn't love them when I did.
I've kept something from a past relationship.

I've had a crush on someone of the same sex.
I've had a crush on a teacher.
I love to flirt.
I've been kissed in the rain.
I've hugged a stranger.

I am a terrible liar.
I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't.
I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't.
I've snuck out of my house.
I have lied to my parents about where I am.
I am keeping a secret from the world.
I've cheated while playing a game.
I've cheated on a test.
I've run a red light.
I've been suspended from school.
I've witnessed a crime.
I've been in a fist fight.
I've been arrested.
I've shoplifted.

I've consumed alcohol.
I regularly drink.
I've passed out from drinking.
I have passed out drunk at least once in the past 6 months.
I've smoked weed.
I've taken painkillers when I didn't need them.
I'm a stoner.
I've snorted cocaine.
I've eaten shrooms.
I've popped E.
I've done hard drugs.
I have cough drops when I'm not sick.
I can't swallow pills.
I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem.
I have been diagnosed with clinical depression.
I shut others out when I'm depressed.
I take anti-depressants.
I'm anorexic or bulimic.
I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it.
I'm addicted to self harm.
I've woken up crying.
I've cried myself to sleep.
I see a therapist.

Death and Suicide
I'm afraid of dying.
I hate funerals.
I've seen someone dying.
Someone close to me has attempted suicide.
Someone close to me has committed suicide.
I've attempted suicide.
I've written a eulogy for myself

I own over 5 rap CDs.
I own an iPod or MP3 player.
I have an unhealthy obsession with anime/manga.
I own multiple designer purses, costing over $100 a piece.
I own something from Hot Topic.
I own something from Pac Sun.
I collect comic books.
I own something from The Gap.
I own something I got on e-bay.
I own something from Abercrombie.

Political/Social Attitudes
In general, I don't like people.
I'm a feminist.
I'm outgoing.
I listen to political music.
I'm Democratic.
I'm Republican.
I'm liberal.
I don't like Bush because he is dumb.
I don't like Bush with my own reasons to back it up.
I am for Bush.
I'm religious.
I dress fairly modestly.
My attitude is, "If you've got it, flaunt it."

I can sing well.
I've stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
I open up to others easily.
I watch the news.
I don't kill bugs.
I hate hearing songs that sacrifice meaning for the sake of being able to rhyme.
I curse regularly.
I sing in the shower.
I am a morning person.
I paid for my cell phone ring tone.
I'm a snob about grammar.
I am a sports fanatic.
I twirl my hair.
I have "x"s in my screen name.
I love being neat.
I love Spam.
I've copied more than 30 CD's in a day.
I bake well.
My favorite color is either white, yellow, pink, red or blue.
I would wear pajamas to school.
I like Martha Stewart.
I know how to shoot a gun.
I am in love with love.
I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
I laugh at my own jokes.
I eat fast food weekly.
I believe in ghosts.
I am online 24/7, even as an away message.
I've not turned anything in and still got an A in a certain class.
I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room.
I am really ticklish.
I love white chocolate.
I bite my nails.
I play video games.
I'm good at remembering faces.
I'm good at remembering names.
I'm good at remembering dates.
I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.