Saturday, May 12, 2007

Conversations With Dead People.

There is this quote in Season 7 of Buffy in the episode 'Conversations With Dead People' which best states everything that I feel about high school. Or at least the high school experience that I remember looking back at it now that I'm four years out of it.

I really miss [high school]. Time goes by, and everything drops away. All the cruelty, all the pain, all that humiliation. It all washes away. I miss my friends. I miss my enemies. I miss the people I talked to every day. I miss the people who never knew I existed. I miss 'em all. I want to talk to them, you know. I want to find out how they're doing. I want to know what's going on in their lives.


Okay, so I don't exactly identify with the cruelty, pain and humiliation that Jonathan (the ubernerd) experienced. But the rest of it, about missing everyone is really what I think about in the quiet moments when my mind is not preoccupied with the hustle and bustle of life and all its multiple tangents.

I miss all the random people and groups who made up the student body of SMKDU Class of 2003. I miss the Art class guys who, it's a safe bet, never knew I existed. I miss the 'hello and goodbye' people I said hello and goodbye to. I miss the people I knew in my class. I miss the people whom I didn't know in my class. I miss the people I had inside jokes with. I miss the Blue house members I'd muck around with on Sports Day. I miss the people I played tennis with. I miss the people I lost contact with, especially the ones who I had a real connection with. I miss the people I would go out of my way to avoid. Alright, maybe 'miss' is a stretch, but I'd like to know how they're doing. Did the two siblings who made up the weirdo factor in our class ever grow out of their awkwardness? Who is engaged? Married? Pregnant? A parent?

Who turned their lives around? Did the band who won Battle of the Bands every year ever go on to get a record deal? Are the stoners still stoning? Do the people who smoked in high school still smoke now? I'd just really like to seat everyone down and get them to tell their post-high school story. I want to hear about their lives when I ask, "How's it going?". I will be all ears.

But I was a no one in the grand scheme of high school hierarchy. I wasn't overtly athletic, popular or a teacher's pet. I wasn't part of the 'pretty people' or hard-working enough to excel academically. I hardly ever volunteered for anything and on the days when I wasn't cutting class, I was sleeping in class. I kept a low profile amongst the student body and within the clubs and organizations that I was involved with.

So I guess in reality, the idea of meeting and catching up with ex-school mates won't be quite so romantic on account of people going, "And you are?" Even if they remembered who I was there's no guarantee that I would have remembered them. And in real life people will answer "I've been good" regardless of actual state of goodness in their lives when questioned.

I don't know. Maybe it's because I didn't attend the school prom so I never really got proper closure. Friends told me it was overrated anyway but maybe had I attended the event and seen everyone together for the last time I wouldn't be thinking like this. Who knows? So I suppose I'll just hold on to that idea of a perfect meeting wherein I spend a perfect day just catching up with all those people I miss sans weirdness, defensiveness and any lull in the conversation.

Besides, Friendster-stalking requires less communication and nullifies all odds of awkwardness anyway.