Thursday, August 10, 2006

Yet another.

Things I have done in the past week:

-Watched the complete second season of Arrested Development. So. Worth. Every. Painful. Cackle.

-Watched a shitload of South Park. I made my sister watch the 'Scott Tenorman Must Die' episode and she says I speak like Cartman. That means I either sound like a fat, manipulative eight year old or the bastard child of a hermaphrodite. Pardon the lack of ecstasy on my part, Gill.

-Accidentally stumble upon a porno that was deceptively labled 'Cartman's Club'. Oh god, my virgin eyes. I can't help but feel that I wouldn't be so scarred if I knew ahead that the video was a porno. It's like horror movies, they don't bother me much cause I've already psyched myself out and I know that the Big Bad is coming. Had I known that the big penis was going to be penetrating two women in different orifices, I probably would be like, "Oh. That's what you call big? Puh-lease boy." And now I have managed to scar you, the reader. It's like The Ring. Pass it on.

-Had chicken soup and a mixed veg dish from Adeline Lee. I love that the SkinnyMonkey is here. Karen thanks you!

-Watched The Weather Man, Elizabethtown, and Lord of War. I shall gripe about these later so that I can have the satisfaction of ranting about it without making y'all skim through it. I'm nice that way.

-If you can't tell already, my last week has largely been confined to my bed, hence the past two days has been spent on regaining the ability to use my two feet again. It's been tough going, but folks, I think I'm going to be alright.

Things I need to do now:

-Catch up on a shitload of reading for my classes. The downside of taking a break is the work you got to pick up when you get back to the rat race.

-Buy more toilet paper. Re: below.

-Buy more tissue paper. I'm at the flu part of my cold, where I gain the use of my voicebox again but have constant mucus clogging up the airways. I wish I knew how to spit. I have a feeling if I spat out the phlegm instead, there would be less mucus regurgigating in my system and thus less to blow out. And now I have scarred you twice. Booya! Y'all know I'm back.

-Stop drowning my rice in light soy sauce. Being at the stage where I'm all clogged up, my tastebuds have gone all screwy as well. My kidneys will probably pay for this someday.

A big THANK YOU! to everyone who wished me well, be it through the tagboard, email or SMS. Let me know if you'd like a keepsake of this event. I'll send over a used tissue. Don't worry, I've got more than enough to go around so no petty squabbling kids. (Third time anyone? Who's your daddy!)

In other news, Brick has finally opened here. To see what IMDb has to say about it, click here. Hmmm. There's one at 9.40pm later tonight. Oh, the temptation. And then there's Confetti. I guess the question is, how lazy am I really? Oh, if only the answer isn't immediately transparent.

Right. Onward to the reviews. These three movies have been relatively high on my 'Must Watch List' since I missed out on them at the cinemas. Neither one of the three have similar themes, and each had completely different directors with differing visual flair, although coincidentally enough all three had narrations throughout the film. But what I really want to rant about is Elizabethtown. I was hoping it would be one of those movies where the critics ravage but I like. But oh, Cameron Crowe.. how you have failed me.

Karen's List of Things That Went Wrong in Elizabethtown:
1. The minute the movie started you had the protagonist's voice over. While I'm usually pretty wary of films that kick off this way (could they not think of a better opening scene?), I don't mind if it is short, snappy and if it serves to reel in the audience's attention as opposed to a long drawn out back story to serve the plot. Compare this:

Lord of War's opening lines: "There are 550 million firearms in worldwide circulation. That's one firearm for every twelve people on the planet. The only question is: How do we arm the other 11? [snappy, and simply too cool]

and this:

Elizabethtown's opening lines: "Yadda yadda yadda. Spasmodica." [I swear, even if I paid myself to remember it, I couldn't.]

Point being is that opening voice overs, if required at all in the film, needs to be at least sort of memorable or attention-grabbing. Etown did not have that. You had Bloomboy walking around muttering "I'm fine" to anyone who caught his eye while serving his inner voice over the speakers. I reckon the "I'm fine"s was enough for an opening scene. We get that things are NOT fine without the constant v/o.

2. The voice overs that ran through out the movie was acceptable. What was not acceptable was Bloomboy's need to enunciate every. single. gorram. word. What should be a nice accompaniment to the plot became a grating experience that made me put my player on fast forward. Thank goodness I was watching the DVD.

3. Bloomboy's hokey American accent I could take. Props to anyone of a different nationality trying to do a different accent for a movie that ran for over 2 hours. For anyone griping over his accent, listen harder to Kirsten Dunst's midwest/southern accent. It was playing peek-a-boo with the audience throughout the movie. There in one scene, gone in the next two.

4. I understand that Cameron Crowe has a particular affinity towards inserting quality music into his films. Thanks to him, a bus ride is almost incomplete without a mass karaoke session of Elton John's 'Tiny Dancer' today. But Etown was like a two hour music video. You could have cut out half the music and that'd still be too many songs in a movie.

5. The neverending sequences where the characters do something charming and the music swells. Just too damn many. The longest phone call ever made in the history of cinema, almost surpassing Cellular (and mobiles were actually crucial in that film). Cheesy family sequences were a dime a dozen.

6. The romantic chemistry in the movie was actually believable and almost likable. Unfortunately for every two seconds that Bloomboy and Kirsten Dunst were on the screen together, there were eight minutes of other 'quirky' family member-typre characters. Bad Cameron Crowe, bad! Which leads me to my next point.

7. So far as I understood, this show was supposed to be one of those 'the journey of a man who on the verge of the biggest crisis of his life, gains a new perspective and finds a new girl to boot'. A personal roadtrip movie, if you will. Garden State with less charismatic leads. What I found confusing in this movie then, is the fact that the only thing he gets from all that is the girl. Any new perspective that he might have gained was from his interactions with KDunst. Hell, the whole thing with the family was absolved by someone else. So why not cut out three quarters of the family crap and stick in more romantic moments? Pa-sheesh. Misdirection on CCrowe's part or just complete confusion on mine?

8. Has Bloomboy ever heard of emoting? I don't think so cause his eyes had only one expression througout the entire film. Boy, your brows may furrow till the Kingdom come, but you're not fooling anyone. Them eyes absolutely need to transmit some kind of emotion, especially if you want to stay in this line of work.

I guess I really should have taken Michelle's advice. You know something is really bad when a fan of Bloomboy can't even stomach the show. Till next time Cameron Crowe. I'll keep watching Almost Famous and think of better days to come.