Friday, July 04, 2008

The difference between who you are and how people see you

Recently I learned that some friends have found this blog. It isn't hard to, I am very aware of the virtual bread crumbs that I have left on the world wide web. Yet, although I knew full well what leaving those links could entail, the discovery of my blog by said friend kind of paralyzed me with fear. For a minute, I panicked and almost had a melt down. I worried about what I had said here and hoped that I hadn't offended anyone. For a second I contemplated deleting this blog. And then I mentally shook myself off and got over it.

Okay, some context.
I'll 'fess up to being a non-committal worrier. What that means is that I might worry about something or someone intensely for a short period of time but say, after a couple of hours or days, I'll basically think, "fuck it", and move on. I often worry about how others perceive me, but never for long periods of time. It's usually short bursts that occur when I've done something weird or said something out of the ordinary. Mostly I'm worried about what the people I call friends think about me. As obnoxious as this sounds, I couldn't be stuffed with what strangers or new acquaintances think about me. After all, it's the opinions of those that matter that counts most, right?

So I have to admit, when my friend remarked that he had come across my blog, I was very worried if his opinion of me had changed. I don't even know what his opinion is. I just wondered if it had taken a turn for the negative. A while ago, a friend mentioned that I came across much angrier on my blog than in real life. It's not a conscious thing that I do - release my frustrations here, but I suppose those feelings could seep out in the way I write. I wouldn't classify myself as a self-conscious person, but I have to admit that I spend more time than I like on wondering what my friends think about me.

I wonder if they get annoyed with me. I have a very loose sense of humour and will basically laugh at everything and anything. I wonder if they find that quality atrocious. I wonder sometimes if I'm being too touchy-feely. Or perhaps not touchy-feely enough. I'm afraid of coming of as pretentious when I talk about films and music. I worry about coming off arrogant because I'm pretty self-assured and self-confident, when let's face it, I have little to crow about. I worry that I'm not good enough a friend. I worry if they would still talk to me if they knew how much of a potty mouth I really had. I worry if my bad habits which I try to keep hidden will surface and scare them away. I worry, I worry, I worry.

I've been grappling with this issue for a while now. The whole dichotomy of how I see myself and other people's opinion of me. I think for me that there's a definite disparity between the two and I'm not sure if I'm more annoyed or surprised by the outcome of my self-evaluation.